A Bit of Morbidity: A Note on Passing

I found out last night that an acquaintance of mine passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. And I’m having a hard time processing it, as I always do when it comes to losing people in my life.

The thing is, I’ve never lost anyone I was especially attached to. I’ve been alive for 22 years, and if my memory serves me correctly, I have attended five funerals in my life. For four of those funerals, I was younger than 10, and didn’t really understand what was going on. The very first one? I had to be about 4 or 5. Some woman’s father had passed, and my family got to the funeral super early. I sat in the back row and wondered why there was a box sitting on top of the altar with a black duck inside. Yes, that sounds crazy, but that is exactly what it looked like to me. The man in the coffin had a white collar on, and a black suit. His skin was also velvety black, and from where I sat, it looked kind of like Daffy Duck lying sideways. As the sanctuary filled with people, I saw that everyone seemed very sad and quiet. So I stayed quiet too. No one explained to me what was going on, and I didn’t ask any questions.  And that was that.

The second funeral was much like the first, only this time I could clearly see that there was a lady lying in the box on the altar. For this service, I was sitting in the balcony. The woman was the daughter/sister of a family I knew very well. She was in her early 30’s when she passed away of an enlarged heart, according to the program I read. I tried to imagine what having an enlarged heart felt like, and how that could make you die. The mother of the young woman was wailing the whole service, a loud, heart-wrenching moan. I saw the daughter of the dead woman, a chubby little girl with a round face and brown pigtails sitting very quietly, and the rest of the family groaning and clutching each other with tears running down their faces. It was like a scene from a movie; I could sense the sorrow and grief around me, but I did not feel it inside of me. I did not know the woman, and I still had a very limited understanding of death...

The third funeral was pretty much like the second.

I was in the fourth grade when I attended my fourth funeral. That one freaked me out. My pastor’s son died at 44, and he was someone I was familiar with. I saw him regularly at church, and my father was his good friend, but since he was a grownup I never paid him much attention. He was a heavy-set when I knew him, but the illness he died from had wasted his body. When it was my turn to view him in the coffin, it scared the crap out of me. I could barely recognize him; the funeral parlor had done an awful job with his makeup. He looked orange, his face was sunken, and he was so much thinner than I remembered. I had nightmares for weeks. Again, I felt sad about the loss because I knew who he was, but I was more terrified of death and dying than anything.

I was about 14 the next time I attended a funeral. This one hit a little closer to home, and to this day it is the closest I have ever come to experiencing a personal loss. There was a woman who attended my church for about 6 months. She was an older woman, and she had advanced lung cancer. She joined our church, accepted Jesus into her life, and passed away 6 months later. She spent the last month or so in the hospital, and I never got to see her during her stay there. When I found out she died, I cried a little, but her death didn’t feel real. At her funeral, the casket was closed and the little room was full of people from the life she led before I knew her. I felt out of place there. I shared such a small piece of her life compared to the grieving people around me. That time though, I did feel loss. She was an older woman, and we knew she was only passing through for a little while, and I hadn’t seen her for a month prior to her dying…but still.

Other people in my life have passed over the years, but the pattern is always the same. It is always a person I knew, but was not personally attached to or did not see on a regular basis. I feel sadness when I hear of their loss, but I can’t seem to process grief. It makes me wonder what will happen when someone I really am close to leaves for good. My brain doesn’t seem to know how to process extreme emotions. Seriously, when somebody I know gets hurt or something serious happens to them, my emotions go wacky. I might burst out in really nervous, awkward laughter. Or I might start shivering. Or I might start wringing my hands over and over. Or I may just space out. It’s crazy, right?

Am I the only one who has a hard time processing grief?

Peace,

~Tiarra

"That's all, folks!"

**This entry is dedicated to the memory of DeAnte’ Pierre Wilson. Rest in peace brother; I know where you are now is a lot better than where you were here on earth! See you on the other side =) ♥11/7/2010♥**